TAKING THE DAY OFF is a great idea but not just for Memorial Day but for a reset. I am proud to be an American for a lot of reasons but I am concerned for not only the state of our country but the world as well. It is hard to watch the news and witness the horrendous acts of humans. I want a reset. I want to ask all of us to stop the blame game since I keep hearing “It is this one’s fault; no it is this someone else’s fault; no, it is another’s fault and on and on.” Let’s get real. It is All of Our Fault if we allow this to fester our society.  Two wrongs don’t make a right and they never will.


Here is my reset button list:

  1. Stop the blame game. We can only control our actions and not the actions of others. Throughout my lifetime, I have been disappointed by many and I am confident I disappointed many others.
  2. Decide what things we can change. Take positive actions that will make a difference in the world or at least the community we live in.
  3. React constructively to negative events or people. What can we do or say that will suggest positive action or thinking in a negative situation. Instead of criticizing others, figure out how you can make a good difference and don’t become part of the problem but instead come up with a sensible solution.
  4. Concentrate on internal growth and success. Personal frustration and/or unhappiness can exasperate any person’s reaction and allows depressing thoughts. I feel “Misery loves Company” comes into play in this situation. In using the time spent criticizing others, we can lose the necessary time to improve our personal lives.
  5.  Build on the idea that we need each other. I love to bake and cook but sometimes I need to take a break and use the services of a restaurant or bakery. How many of us are plumbers? Let something go wrong and a plumber becomes the most important person to contact. The internet, which as a writer and blogger can be a blessing but at the same time, if used unwisely, can be a curse and destructive. Use it wisely. I bounce ideas off a lot of people and they are from all kinds of backgrounds to get a well rounded base for writing but in the end, I select the usable information and discard what is not relevant to what I am writing. I need the input, however, and it is as important even if it is not used.
  6. Decide to live a happy life even in unhappy times. You may ask, “What are you talking about Miss Crazy Positivity?”  It is possible and allow me to reference a time in our country which will make the current times seem frivolous. Many people did not live through the depression of 1929 until it ended but even though the following statistics will show a big decline in births, it is evident some people found a way to be happy or survive the most difficult time. In other words, children were born and life went on in spite of the horrendous conditions.

Trend of the crude birth rate Estimates of the total number of births and the birth rate in the United States have been made for each year NATALITY since 1909. As shown in table 1-B and figure 1-2, the mid=thirties separate two contrasting periods of change in the crude rate. In the earlier period, 1909-33, the rate underwent a marked decline, dropping from 30.0 to 18.4. This represents a continuation of the downward trend that had started many years before. Available estimates place the annual rate in the colonial period at 50 to 57 births per 1,000 inhabitants.2 The only appreciable interruption occurred shortly after the First World War. Following a sharp drop in 1919, the rate climbed in the next 2 years again turning downward to reach an all the low during the depression period. The longterm decline has been characterized as a genuine demographic revolution, related to the development of modern society, the rapid development in arts and sciences, and the adoption of a rational approach in individual and family living.3 Changes in the reproductive patterns of persons living in both urban and rural environments, and the increasing and more widespread knowledge of effective contraceptive methods are factors associated with this secular trend. The movement toward urbanization was also 2Donald J. BOgue, The Population of the united States, The Free press of Glencoe, Illinois, 1959. 3Wilson H. Grabill, Clyde V. Kiser, and pascal K. Whelp ton, The Fertility of Anjeri..qn V/omen, John Wiley and Sons, Inc. New York, 1958.

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7. Trust in yourself and your abilities. Before we can believe in others and trust others, we have to believe in our own gut and instinct. We can make decisions for ourselves and can even have input and influence on how others think about a situation. While trusting ourselves, we see things clearer and realize as one young girl said to another, “Do you think this whole world revolves around you or something?” Each one of us is important and we should realize input and brainstorming is the best avenue for resolution of an issue and the creation of solutions.  A true Know it All doesn’t know it all but is willing to listen to All to gain knowledge and expand his or her horizons.

8. Listen with an OPEN ear. I get asked a lot of times how did I decide to do this or how do I know how to do that and my answer is always the same. I was not afraid to ask questions, seek help from those who had the knowledge I was seeking, AND importantly, listening with an open mind with an ear tuned in for learning and not contradicting. All that I have learned has been a combination of studying, researching, communicating with others, experience both with success and failures. Others have given good advice which I listened and then chose my own path.

9. Be forgiving and understanding. None of us actually know it all. Plenty of people know a lot but by our human make up, we make mistakes and guffaws. We succeed and fail sometimes many times over. We look wise; we look stupid. We agree to disagree; or we remain stubborn and obstinate and nothing gets accomplished. Forgiveness is a win-win as both receive a good feeling from this encounter.

10. Feel good about life. When we wake up in the morning, it is vital we set the tone for our day. Practice saying, “It is going to be a wonderful day” instead of having a “Woe is me” attitude and watch how much better the day goes. Positivity works. Stop and look at the good things in your life instead of finding fault with your conditions or people you are associated. No matter how bad it may seem, trust me, someone in this world has it worse than you. Concentrate on positive attitude and steps to improve your surroundings and mental focus. You can turn your life into a life you can be happy by practicing being happy within yourself.



(C) COPYRIGHT 2012-2017 Arline Miller with all rights and privileges reserved. All third party material is sourced to original location for reference credit. Photos are not property of blog unless stated.


Missy and Luna
Friends come in furry packages too. My daughter Missy with her bestie Luna doing what they do best…..Going places together.
TODAY THE WORDS are INGREDIENTS IN A FRIEND. I think I can speak on this subject very profoundly as I have been blessed with a great assortment of friends throughout my lifetime. Some have come and gone out of my life; some have been there for a lifetime; some are very close and we keep in touch; and some are my infrequent friends with whom I communicate rarely but they are still dear to me. In thinking about friends and a person who loves to cook, I thought I would come up with a recipe for those friends we can’t do without (kind of like chocolate cake) and this was my thoughts:

Recipe for a Friend Cake:

First, find a person or maybe they will find you.
Blend your likes and their likes and see if they mix together.
Stir up some fun and laughter.
Slow down the mixer and just chill.
Add some sugar and some seasonings as it has to be sweet but spicy.
If the batter starts to separate, stir it again as you want it all to stay together.
Pour it in a pan making sure you don’t leave any of it left behind.
Bake with love, caring, sacrifice and charity to each other.
Savor the taste of friendship and enjoy each bite of life.
If the slice breaks, do everything you can to put it back together.
And if you have to stop enjoying your friend cake, keep the memory of the taste.
The good times, the sad times, the silly times and the times you wish you could do over again.

(written by Arline Miller, author 2016)

The next time you start to make a new friend cake, make sure you have all of the ingredients for being a great friend to them. Live life; love life; and live life to the fullest by adding friends to your life and keep the dear friends you already have!
Here is an excerpt from an interesting article about friendship:
The True Meaning Of Friendship by Alex Lickerman, MD
  1. Common interests. This probably ties us closer to our friends than many would like to admit. When our interests diverge and we can find nothing to enjoy jointly, time spent together tends to rapidly diminish. Not that we can’t still care deeply about friends with whom we no longer share common interests, but it’s probably uncommon for such friends to interact on a regular basis.
  2. History. Nothing ties people together, even people with little in common, than having gone through the same difficult experience. As the sole glue to keep friendships whole in the long run, however, it often dries, cracks, and ultimately fails.
  3. Common values. Though not necessarily enough to create a friendship, if values are too divergent, it’s difficult for a friendship to thrive.
  4. Equality. If one friend needs the support of the other on a consistent basis such that the person depended upon receives no benefit other than the opportunity to support and encourage, while the relationship may be significant and valuable, it can’t be said to define a true friendship.

  1. A commitment to your happiness. A true friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship. It’s said that “good advice grates on the ear,” but a true friend won’t refrain from telling you something you don’t want to hear, something that may even risk fracturing the friendship, if hearing it lies in your best interest. A true friend will not lack the mercy to correct you when you’re wrong. A true friend will confront you with your drinking problem as quickly as inform you about a malignant-looking skin lesion on your back that you can’t see yourself.
  2. Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles. A true friend won’t ask you to compromise your principles in the name of your friendship or anything else. Ever.
  3. A good influence. A true friend inspires you to live up to your best potential, not to indulge your basest drives.
You can check out the friendly article by clicking on the link above.

Proverbs 18:24                 

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

(c) copyright 2012-2017 Arline Lott Miller. The material here copyrighted, use only by permission. Third party material sourced to original location for reference credit.


This post is one of my favorite blog posts and merits re-posting. Join me and see if you find a reason to be positive instead of the pitfalls of attracting misery in your lives.
 the theme for today. I am bringing back a post I B to Stop Feeling Miserable and Start Being Happy | Huffington …www.huffingtonpost.com/..
I think you will enjoy the following post about Miser
TODAY THE WORD is MISERY. Isn’t this a switcheroo? Miss Positive herself, is writing about misery. I was driving yesterday for several hours and this word came to mind about how people encourage misery in their lives. Why, you may ask, would anyone encourage misery since no one desires to be miserable? I don’t know if any of you watched the movie, Misery, with James Caan, Kathy Bates, that was filmed in 1990. It is a grueling story of how one fan became so obsessed with an author she kept him captive and made him write the next book. She subjected him to so much misery and pain. I see people who subjectively put themselves in misery and pain by the choices they make.
Life throws people enough curves on its own without us making it simpler for life to cheat us out of the blessings that are meant to come our way. How is this possible for one to encourage misery as it seems more natural for us to want happiness, peace and contentment? For some reason, and it may be subconsciously hidden, I think people who have low self esteem crave attention and that opens some doors that should remain shut. Any attention is better than none; and therefore the problem manifests itself. The victim status comes into play. No one likes me; I am not pretty enough; I can’t find a job; my spouse doesn’t treat me right; I am too fat or I am too skinny; and on and on until the person starts believing they are a victim. I am a compassionate person but I say do not encourage “playing victimitis” when you hear someone make the comments seeking attention. True hardships as I was speaking earlier warrant our compassion while at the same time, compassion given to the attention deprived victim is harmful. In place of the compassion, give encouragement in the good things about the person to build the self esteem is my philosophy.
Why add misery to misery by agreeing with a trivial whine? Could we try when someone says something negative, to say something positive? Misery loves company, so help that person out of their “misery status” to a more productive status. “I can’t find a job” may be an opening to “Where have you been looking” or “Have you tried there?” instead of “I know, you won’t be able to find a job in this town”. Happy people have bad days too: they just deal with them better. Don’t invite Misery in for dinner; it may never leave!

Proverbs 15:15-16

15 A miserable heart means a miserable life; a cheerful heart fills the day with song. 16 A simple life in the Fear-of-God is better than a rich life with a ton of headaches.

(C) Copyright 2012-2017 Arline Miller with rights and privileges reserved. Third Party Material Sourced for reference credit.


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WHAT IS IN A DAY……WHY A DAYLILY FOR SURE! My husband, Greg and I cut up and post Miller Garden Pictures but our “estate” is on a half acre but it is our home and we love to share the beauty of the flowers, plants, and butterflies. This year we didn’t have our hummingbirds or at least so far and they have been missed. What we missed in hummingbirds, we have made up in day lilies. I will not be able to post all of the day lilies we have but I wanted to share some photos and an excerpt from a flower in herself, Lynn Polk, who is an inspiration to all of us who are privy to receive her messages of love and hope. I saved her response when I posted some of our day lilies.


First a little background, my precious Mother

when she was alive, found so much joy from her collection of day lilies and other plants in her little yard. She knew her day lilies by name and took pride when each one bloomed. She knew when to fertilize and when to cut them back. When it was time to thin the plants out, many of us stood by with anticipation of obtaining a few of her beauties. It was her giving of love when she shared her plants and she expected us to take as much pride and care as she had. We were asked to give updates on her babies. A lot of the photos you will see are from her yards and I can assure you Greg takes wonderful care as he feels Momma watches from her heavenly gardens.


Here is the message Lynn responded after I posted Daring Dilemma:

This exceptional Day Lilly absolutely captures the essence of God’s beauty in creation and its name, “Daring Dilemma” captures our human sin condition from which the goodness of God’s Grace frees us from and transforms us into the perfected image of His Son and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Don’t you just love when the perfection of God’s nature calls to the depths of our souls to experience the transformation that only He can bring to our lives. This is an example of how human beings can experience the power of God through beauty of His creation without ever have read or heard the Word of God. The power of God’s Creation speaks of His existence. How awesome is that.

Lynn Polk Thinking about how a tiny seed goes through the process of transformation into a perfectly beautiful Day Lilly in the loving care of its Gardner as it is given the water and light of life. So, too, is our transformation from our Daring Dilemma unto Salvation and Sanctification process until the Day of Christ’s Return for us, His perfected Bride, when He takes us Home to Heaven our Eternal Reward. Wow! That’s OUR STORY, THE GOSPEL STORY told through the beauty of a flower.

Thanks Lynn for giving us another reason to love God’s beauty. I feel you have given us the deeper thought so I will post more of our beauties on loan from God and hope that all of us take time to enjoy each gift we receive whether it be in the form of a wonderful flower, an ocean with its wonders, a smile from a child, a laugh from an elderly person who still finds joy in life, a quiet moment in reverence for Our Creator, or a kiss from a loved one. We can find comfort in times of need and given thanks for all things in every day life.


(C) Copyright 2012-2016 Arline Miller with all rights and privileges reserved. Third party material referenced to original source. Permission required to use.


We love to share our day lilies with our blog readers. This beautiful time of the year passes very quickly so it is our pleasure to open our garden gates to view the splendor of nature.

(C) Copyright 2012-2017 Arline Miller with all rights and privileges reserved. The photos are property of Sipping Cups. Third party material is sourced to original location for reference source.


HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS! I can’t think of my Mother without thinking of her day lilies. Mom found out she could grow these beautiful, unique flowers and it thrilled her when they bloomed. I thought about how she applied this same love and care for us, her four children. All of us are different and somewhat unique and she gave us individual love according to how we bloomed. I take a few minutes to repost an original post of tribute. I have added some of the day lilies we have blooming and I can assure you we think Mom would be proud.
TODAY THE WORDS are KEEPING MOM’S DAYLILY LEGACY. I find this time of the year both gratifying and sad at the same time.This morning our sweet Mother is on my mind and I am sure Greg’s too as so many of her favorite day lilies are starting to show out. She would smile and tell Greg how he is taking such good care of “her flowers”. She would spot a small weed and direct us to pull it as if it was an emergency. She would call their names and I would do my best to remember the names one more time. She would put her hand on her hips and study them and make suggestions to Greg when to feed them; when to split them, etc.  what would be the best part of the walk through our garden would be her smile and we would most certainly laugh! Day Lilies make me smile but now I smile and shed a tear for Momma. How she loved God, her children and family, and right in the mix, her day lilies.
I want to take us back several years ago when we were blessed to have Momma here with us. I have always laughed and said “If Mom wanted to send any of her flowers on a suicide mission all she had to do was to send them home with me.” Of course this was before I met my wonderful husband Greg. He had a natural green thumb and is such a great gardener. He and Mom loved flowers in the same way and they bonded over day lilies. Well, let me say, in addition to Greg’s love of flowers, she loved Greg’s wonderful way of taking care of us. She prepared Honey Do Lists and he would laugh and grab his tools. Of course, Mom loved all of his help and support and so began a great relationship in addition to the great one Mom and I shared. I took the yard tours and tried my best to acknowledge every day lily and rose she pointed out.
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Now for the deeper thought….I could go on forever about our daylily adventures but I thought I would share the lesson Mom’s Daylily Legacy taught me and has kept it at the forefront of each and every bloom I see. As precious as our time with Mom was and how many great memories we made from sharing her love for this delicate flower; Mom was in a way like her precious day lilies. She was in the most beautiful bloom one day and it seemed she had gone the next day and as wonderful and beautiful as she was to us; there was nothing we could do to stop the normal process of life. She had grown; she had siblings and children with grandchildren; she had blossomed and radiated her beauty to everyone who saw her. She was a unique day lily who shared her love and beauty. But when the sun went down on her; all we have are those magnificent photos of her as I am displaying some of her favorites on here. Her garden is now Heaven and we keep her day lilies as a sweet reminder of her beauty and love.

Luke 12:27New King James Version (NKJV)

27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Here is a gallery of our day lilies growing in 2017 in memory of my Mother Beatrice Holt Lott Hutchinson.


(C) Copyright 2012-2017 Arline Miller with all rights and privileges reserved. All third party material sourced to original location for reference credit. These photos are property of the blog.


TURNING AWAY FROM THE MIRROR is another way of TURNING THE CORNER and is the third article. I address the changes we go through physically  and mentally as we age. The way we look at ourselves and those changes are relevant to our later years being satisfying and comfortable. I, myself, have a great sense of humor and enjoy the changes. Sure would we all love to find the fountain of youth but is it better to have a good outlook and make appropriate changes to accommodate the inevitable. I wrote the following on FaceBook this morning.


Wednesday Morning Thought: Youthful beauty will pass for even the most beautiful. May it be replaced with maturity, elegance and grace. These features are what we admire when we see an older beautiful person. Each scar or wrinkle has a story behind it and is the book cover for each of our lives. If we take time to “read” those stories and cherish our life adventures, the inner beauty glows from within. Have you been talking to a senior and it seems when a funny episode is told the youth surfaces and the face looks young again? I don’t fault anyone who has surgery or botox as that is a personal decision but the most beautiful, wisest, and interesting people have character lines. Stay young at heart and the world will love our faces.

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Here is a great article to give all of us peace of mind titled GROWING OLDER, GETTING HAPPIER. You can access this article by clicking on the link MIND.

Growing Older, Getting Happier

Older people tend to be happier than younger people, and their happiness increases with age, a study in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry reports.

Researchers contacted 1,546 people ages 21 to 99 via random telephone calls and found that older age was, not surprisingly, tied to declines in physical and cognitive function. But it was also associated with higher levels of overall satisfaction, happiness and well-being, and lower levels of anxiety, depression and stress. The older the person, the study found, the better his or her mental health tended to be.

The researchers used well-validated scales to assess mental health, although the study relied on self-reports and was a snapshot in time that did not follow an individual through a lifetime. Other studies have found similar results linking advancing age and higher levels of happiness.

The reasons for the effect remain unclear, but the senior author, Dr. Dilip V. Jeste, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego, had some suggestions.

“Brain studies show that the amygdala in older people responds less to stressful or negative images than in a younger person,” he said. “We become wise. Peer pressure loses its sting. Better decision-making, more control of emotions, doing things that are not just for yourself, knowing oneself better, being more studious and yet more decisive.

“This is good news for young people, too,” he added. “You have something to look forward to.”


Blogger’s side note: I have a favorite memory that keeps me in tow about aging. My great aunt Alice was beautiful even being a deaf mute. Her skin was similar to porcelain and I never noticed if she had wrinkles but I readily could see her eyes had twinkles. She smiled and while she gave it her all to be vocal, especially when telling me she loved me, I only saw elegance, beauty, and grace. We communicated with touches, hugs, and eyes. She loved people and life and lived each moment to the fullest. May life grant all of us the wonderment Alice saw and lived without a lot of spoken words….Arline Miller

(C) Copyright 2012-2017 Arline Miller with all rights and privileges reserved. Third party material is sourced to original location for reference credit. Photos are not property of blog unless stated.


As the second article in the series of TURNING A CORNER is a personal lesson in changing my “Got to help everyone” concept to “listen and allow them to handle their own life”. You will see an example of how others who seem like they want your advice but are looking for a kind ear. This doesn’t mean they will or will not appreciate your willingness to accept their ability to take care of their business.


Saturday Morning Thought: One of the lessons, and I must say it has been one of the hardest, I have learned is when someone talks to me they are not wanting me to solve their problems but wanting a willing ear to vent pain, frustrations and/or hurt they are going through. As a problem solver, it is a natural instinct for me to offer MY ideas of how I would handle a problem or situation. I have discovered MY ideas may not be the way they will figure out how to handle THEIR situation. It is difficult to stay quiet and listen but I am trying to listen more and offer advice less. I had a recent encounter with my daughter that has nothing to do with the lesson other than I listened to what she was saying. I love to cook but apparently try to micro-manage her while she is helping or preparing a dish. She reminded me she cooks all the time and it hit home. My Mom would micro-manage me when I went home and cooked and/or helped her and I laughed. Oh no, I remember thinking I have probably cooked a lot more than my Mom and she is still telling me how to cook. I never said anything to her but when I heard those words from my daughter (which I appreciated her talking to me), I LISTENED. We can listen; we can empathize; and we can trust that as we have figured out how to handle our problems; so can others…Posted by Arline Miller on FaceBook

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I found a great article which is relevant to this subject. I feel many of you are sitting there recognizing the many times you offered advice which was either not taken or resented because you told it like it is. It may seem a virtue to be straightforward and it is in one sense of the word, but once you read this article by

Thomas G. Plante, Ph.D, ABPP

Giving People Advice Rarely Works. This Does.

Go against your instincts to influence others.
Posted Jul 15, 2014

People love to tell you how to live your life, don’t they? There is no shortage of family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, businesses, and of course, magazines and websites offering plenty of guidance about what you should or shouldn’t do. Others want to tell you what or how you should (or shouldn’t) eat, drink, shop, vote, believe in (or not believe in), dress, exercise—you name it. But while everyone thinks that telling others what they should do will work, very few actually rely on the proven, research-based strategies that actually do typically result in behavior change.

Think about it for a moment: Has there ever been a conversation between a Democrat and a Republican, between a believer and a non-believer, between a meat-eater and a vegetarian, between a Fox News viewer and a MSNBC viewer, or between a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan that ended with one saying, “You know what? You’re right! I’ll change right away!”

And honestly, while people encourage you to change your ways to accommodate their suggestions what are you privately thinking? Probably something like “Mind your own business!” or “Why don’t you leave me alone?” You might politely listen but privately most of us resent being told what to do and how to do it.

In a nutshell: Advice giving usually doesn’t work, and often completely backfires.

For example, it often makes me laugh when someone knocks on my door to engage in religious proselytizing. I happen to be an engaged Catholic, and my wife is an engaged Jew. Our respective families have been very active participants in our respective religious traditions for centuries. We are happy and comfortable with them, and we learn a lot from each other. And yet, some random stranger knocking on the door thinks that they can change all of that with a brief conversation? Really?

At a recent dinner party, the host (a dear and gracious friend) decided to lecture her guests on a new diet that she was enthusiastic about, which challenges almost everything you likely believe and understand about healthy eating. It also challenges state-of-the-art nutrition science. But she insisted that we all read some popular press book about this diet and then change our lives accordingly. Yeah, right. Of course, no one did as she demanded; all she accomplished was alienating a number of her friends. Probably not what she had planned.

Why Advice Fails

To be fair, we all find ways to tell others how to live. We can’t help it. We all have strong points of view and believe that others should do or think as we do. And most of us are all too comfortable expressing those views to others, whether they’re interested or not.

Yet, research using reactance theory informs us that whenever someone tells us what to do and how to do it, we respond with a defensive defiance because we want to maximize our personal freedom and decision making.

So we know that telling others what they should do, even if it is reasonable advice, rarely (if ever) works, though you’d never know this by the endless roster of self-help books and advice gurus out there.

What Does Work?

If we really want to encourage behavior (or belief) change in others we actually need to move away from advice giving (especially when our advice is unsolicited) and toward modeling. In other words, we need to be an example for others rather than telling them what to do.

Research on observational learning (in conjunction with an understanding of reactance theory) suggests that while people will resist unsolicited advice and instruction, they will follow the behaviors of others—especially when there appear to be good and reinforcing outcomes from these behaviors (or beliefs).

Here’s a good recent example: One of the most delightful families I met at my son’s high school are evangelical Christians. But I had no clue what their religious affiliation was for about 3 years, after spending lots of time with them at track meets and other events. They modeled friendliness, graciousness, and caring better than anyone else I knew at this large public high school. Only during a casual conversation at one of our children’s last track meets did I even have any idea of their beliefs and traditions. They modeled wonderful and appealing behaviors without a word and set an excellent example for others—very different than the folks knocking on the door telling you what you should do and believe.

If you really want to encourage behavior change in those around you, model the behavior that you want and keep your advice-giving instincts in check. I know—I’m giving advice here, and perhaps contradicting myself, but still, just consider this strategy and see how it works out for you.

Check out my web page at www.scu.edu/tplante and follow me on Twitter@ThomasPlante

Copyright Thomas G. Plante, PhD, ABPP



LESSON LEARNED and now in implementation by the author of this blog. We can learn new tricks. We can become a person we want to be. We can exercise constraint and we can observe others grow as we want to grow. Some of the best lessons I have learned during my life is from being resistant to other’s advice, thinking I knew better, and having to have my head butted in the wall of life to make appropriate changes. Maybe the key is to love others while they are waiting their turn on the wall. I remember Mom saying about one of my brothers, “He is so stubborn and won’t listen; he will have to butt his head and he will learn.” How wise she was and I wish I had listened to her words then. 

Teaching is a great art and leading by example is a great way to get a message across to another person. We need to save the preaching to the ministers and even they have ones who don’t listen to them either.

(C) Copyright 2012-2017 Arline Miller with all rights and privileges reserved. Third party material is referenced to original source and used when sharing is allowed. Photos may or may not be property of Arline Miller unless stated or sourced.


As the first post in the new series of TURNING A CORNER, this post from a dear friend of mine is a remarkably transparent and honest message of the adult repercussions of child abuse/sexual abuse. I found it reflective in the comparison between a prepared soldier going into battle versus a child who is unprepared for the life long struggle of dealing with the lingering effects of abuse. This is a hard corner to turn and Lynn exemplifies the need for the only true weapon to fight the enemy. Please read this message and feel free to comment and/or share your experiences and how you or someone you know who has suffered due to child abuse or abuse of any kind. A special thanks to Lynn Polk who is the brave author.

child abuse

Our Guest Blogger Lynn Polk (her link is available by clicking on her name below):
Lynn Polk


2 Corinthians 4: 6 says: “For it is the God who commands light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the Face of Jesus.”


I am a Adult Survivor of Child Abuse. I’m writing this series while going through a deep valley where darkness attempts to hold me captive to painful memories I have already overcome through Christ Jesus.

I do believe this series is foundational because Christ is our foundation. Individuals who have experienced ongoing trauma in their developmental years focused on surviving rather than thriving. Therefore, as adults, they may lack general skills. Many times, they will lack self-soothing skills that can help them regulate and deal with difficult emotions. Understand that the abuse occurred within interpersonal relationships; so, there was no opportunity for them to experience help when they were overwhelmed. There was no help available for them. This can set them up later in life for addictions as they try to numb or escape difficult emotions. Their feelings about the abuse can include fear, shame, rage, self-hatred, and confusion. At the most basic level, when children are afraid they know they can turn to mom, dad, or another authority figure for help. But what happens when they are afraid of the caregiver? What if their terror comes from the same place they were supposed to receive comfort? This can leave the child not only struggling to deal with the outward circumstances but also their emotional and psychological system is aroused and they do not know how to calm themselves. As adults, they carry the same mental images and beliefs of themselves, others, and of the LORD that were constructed in the abusive environment. And they may not know how to express their need for help, or they may believe the abuse did not affect them, yet they remain captive to the lies of the enemy. The scriptures are full of examples where individuals were overwhelmed and they turned to the LORD, but if an individual has never experienced a safe place, it will be difficult to believe an invisible God could love them. The whole purpose of Christ coming was revealing the Father’s heart to us that He is a safe place; that although He is all powerful, there is never an abuse of His power. Christ dying on the cross for us was the example of the stronger absorbing what the weaker deserved, providing rather than taking, covering rather than exposing; these are the attributes of the Father. It may take time and repeatedly reviewing the same scriptures to have our minds renewed by His Spirit and Word. But know this: the LORD is passionate about you and “wants not to take from you; rather, He has already given His best for your healing and freedom. He sets the captive free.

Additionally, I would like to address something I have seen in the Body of Christ that can be extremely confusing and hurtful to individuals dealing with the long lasting effects of abuse. It seems the church views emotional and mental suffering differently than physical suffering. Although they may not mean to be hurtful, it is their lack of understanding that is at the root. The human brain is an organ just like the heart. If the arteries in a person’s heart are damaged in some manner, it will take time and maybe a skilled surgeon to help the organ recover. When exposed to repeated trauma the brain under goes biological changes. Much like a computer processing information the brain will set up different folders to store information. And just like a computer, when something that can harm the internal systems enters, the computer takes steps to mitigate the damage or shuts down. So it is in the brain of a child when overwhelmed with situations that are perceived as threatening; the brain begins to use defenses in order to protect the child.

In order to gain understanding, let’s compare a soldier in battle and a child in an abusive home; both are war zones. First, the soldier is taken to basic training where her personality is stripped of “me” thinking so she can work with her fellow soldiers as a team; so that whatever danger they may face, they will work together to help everyone survive. She is trained in the use of weapons and to wear her protective armor. Additionally, she is given exercises to further her experience by practicing her skills so when she faces the enemy, she will know how to respond. She has comrades in arms. She is not in the war alone. She has a commander over the team. Generally, the commander will have more experience and knows how to take the troops in and out of dangerous situations. Also, she will have peers that have been through the same training and so they are able to support each other. Now, assume the soldier makes it through all of her training and she is taken and dropped in a war zone. She is dropped into a very dangerous area, but she is not alone. She has a commander, her peers, her training, and if raised in good enough home, where abuse was not present and she was supported and loved, she is also going into the war zone with a brain that has developed physically and emotionally throughout her life; a brain that has not been flooded with stress. And even with all these things going for her, she may experience such terrible things, whether through watching the death of her comrades from road side bombs, or any other tragedies, that even your most skilled solider will not come home without collateral damage.

Now, let’s look at another soldier but one that has never been trained. One that did not realize she was being dropped into a war zone; rather she was born in one. She is a young child; her brain and body are still developing. The commanders of the soldier in the first example are experienced, they are there to protect and guide the soldier through the challenges. But the commanders of the second soldier, a child, has been left with are self-absorbed and lost in their own war; escaping their pain possibly through drug or alcohol abuse. There is no one really watching over the child, in fact they may be the ones who are abusing the child. When the first soldier was faced with challenges, she could use the tools and weapons she had been provided with to protect herself. She had been taught strategy to keep herself safe when harm was surrounding her. The child has not been given any of those tools; rather, what will happen is the child will rely on defense mechanisms such as denying her reality and repressing memories to keep them from interfering with her everyday life. In this combat zone, the child is not able to focus on learning and exploring her world; often she may be doing her best not to be heard or seen, as this is the only way to remain safe. If the child is being physically or sexually abused, she may disconnect from herself. In the time when a child’s personality and self-concept should be developing, she is focusing on how to survive.

When children are raised in homes with violence and abuse, they often will try to be good, believing this will give them some type of control over their environment. The child’s mental software concerning themselves, others, and relationships is being hard wired.
Some of the lessons they may be learning is that rather than protect, authority takes; rather than nurture and ensure the child’s needs are being met, the authority uses the child to meet their needs. Their understanding of themselves may become skewed with shame, believing they are bad; shame becomes the toxic element in their personality development, followed by fear of intimacy. They believe there is something evil about them, and that if they are ever truly open with anyone, they will be rejected. The child tries to keep people at a distance, further isolating themselves, remaining without healthy human connection for comfort. God created us to be in a relationship, and when children are left without a safe place and without comfort as they grow, they may become involved with drugs or alcohol to numb their reality.

Additionally, they may become self-injurious in an attempt to escape emotions that are overwhelming. All of these issues can be traced back to their inability to self-soothe or regulate emotions which can be directly related to the lack of nurturing that occurred in their chaotic young life. The child’s world is not safe or nurturing, and often they keep secrets they will carry into adulthood. When soldiers come home from war that have been injured physically or psychologically, we often view them with the understanding they have seen things that we have not. They probably have seen horrific violence and experienced losses in the theater of war. I understand when they have nightmares and flashbacks.

I encourage them to seek help even beyond the church doors in order for them to process and work through their experiences.
But this is not the case for abuse survivors. Adult survivors may be viewed as “not forgetting those things which are behind,” a verse often taken out of context; Paul is clearly talking about his own righteous acts in an attempt to gain righteousness before the Lord. But there is little understanding that these combatants were shoved out of the plane into dangerous territory without training, armor, or an experienced commander.

Just as one may bear scars from being deployed, these troopers have scars on the inside and because they are not visible they may be ignored, or chalked up to a “lack of faith,” or not having a deep enough relationship with Jesus. I am not minimizing the trauma that our military members experience. I am attempting to shine light on warriors who have fought in battles long before they were old enough to serve in the armed forces. Desolation and destruction may seem to surround an individual’s life, but I can say from experience that “Jesus is a restorer and healer,” and He has been my portion for almost 60 years, especially when time are
Adult survivors are abuse conquerors; I say that not because it is churchlike, but because of Romans 8: 37 “Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” It is about God’s love for us; that alone will strengthen us and restore life to the broken areas of our heart.

Beloved of the Master, know that Jesus is intimately aware of your struggles and that He is drawing near to heal and comfort you. Use the experience of pastors, counselors who not only know Jesus but also have training and experience in working with trauma survivors. Use medication when advised to by a doctor; trauma changes the brain and there is no shame in that.

I offer two nuggets with which to end this introduction. First, Hebrews 11: 27b: “For he endured as seeing Him who is invisible.” The scripture is talking about Moses and how he endured the wrath of Pharaoh as he led the Children of Israel of out Egypt. As you learn to walk towards freedom, and away from the lies the enemy has told you about yourself and God, focus on Jesus because the Pharaoh will attempt to tell you that freedom is not for you.
This devotion is written to help you see the One who is invisible; ask Jesus to open your eyes.

Next, Genesis 50: 22: “Joseph is a fruitful bough, a fruitful bough by a well; his branches run over the wall, the archers have bitterly grieved him, shot at him and hated him. But his bow, remained in strength, and the arms of his hands were made strong by the hands of the Mighty God of Jacob.” The scripture records the words concerning Joseph from his father, after Joseph had been a captive. It declares Joseph was a fruitful bough that is by a well, and that his branches went over the wall that was there to hold him back. So it is with abuse conquerors; because of Jesus, we break out of the prison that tries to hold us back and we are fruitful in our life. Even though others abused us, our hands are now strengthened by hands that were pierced for our freedom.

Take some time to share your thoughts and heart with the LORD. What is He saying to you through these promises? What do you want to share with Him?

 Lynn and James Polk
Photo of Lynn and James Polk 
Here is a list of Myths about Child Abuse:

Understanding child abuse and neglect

Child abuse is more than bruises or broken bones. While physical abuse is shocking due to the scars it leaves, not all child abuse is as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in unsupervised, dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless or stupid are also child abuse. Regardless of the type of child abuse, the result is serious emotional harm.

Myths and facts about child abuse and neglect
Myth: It’s only abuse if it’s violent.

Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others are less likely to intervene.

Myth: Only bad people abuse their children.

Fact: While it’s easy to say that only “bad people” abuse their children, it’s not always so black and white. Not all abusers are intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem.

Myth: Child abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families.

Fact: Child abuse doesn’t only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.

Myth: Most child abusers are strangers.

Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family.

Myth: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.

Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.

Child Abuse Hotlines:

Effects of child abuse and neglect

All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships, and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Some effects include:

Lack of trust and relationship difficulties. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? Abuse by a primary caregiver damages the most fundamental relationship as a child—that you will safely, reliably get your physical and emotional needs met by the person who is responsible for your care. Without this base, it is very difficult to learn to trust people or know who is trustworthy. This can lead to difficulty maintaining relationships due to fear of being controlled or abused. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships because the adult doesn’t know what a good relationship is.

Core feelings of being “worthless” or “damaged.” If you’ve been told over and over again as a child that you are stupid or no good, it is very difficult to overcome these core feelings. You may experience them as reality. Adults may not strive for more education, or settle for a job that may not pay enough, because they don’t believe they can do it or are worth more. Sexual abuse survivors, with the stigma and shame surrounding the abuse, often especially struggle with a feeling of being damaged.

Trouble regulating emotions. Abused children cannot express emotions safely. As a result, the emotions get stuffed down, coming out in unexpected ways. Adult survivors of child abuse can struggle with unexplained anxiety, depression, or anger. They may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb out the painful feelings.

Recognizing the different types of child abuse

Abusive behavior comes in many forms, but the common denominator is the emotional effect on the child. Children need predictability, structure, clear boundaries, and the knowledge that their parents are looking out for their safety. Abused children cannot predict how their parents will act. Their world is an unpredictable, frightening place with no rules. Whether the abuse is a slap, a harsh comment, stony silence, or not knowing if there will be dinner on the table tonight, the end result is a child that feel unsafe, uncared for, and alone.

Emotional abuse

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? Contrary to this old saying, emotional abuse can severely damage a child’s mental health or social development. Examples of emotional child abuse include:

  1. Constant belittling, shaming, and humiliating a child
  2. Calling names and making negative comparisons to others
  3. Telling a child he or she is “no good,” “worthless,” “bad,” or “a mistake”
  4. Frequent yelling, threatening, or bullying
  5. Ignoring or rejecting a child as punishment, giving him or her the silent treatment
  6. Limited physical contact with the child—no hugs, kisses, or other signs of affection
  7. Exposing the child to violence or the abuse of others, whether it be the abuse of a parent, a sibling, or even a pet


Child neglect—a very common type of child abuse—is a pattern of failing to provide for a child’s basic needs, whether it be adequate food, clothing, hygiene, or supervision. Child neglect is not always easy to spot. Sometimes, a parent might become physically or mentally unable to care for a child, such as with a serious injury, untreated depression, or anxiety. Other times, alcohol or drug abuse may seriously impair judgment and the ability to keep a child safe.

Older children might not show outward signs of neglect, becoming used to presenting a competent face to the outside world, and even taking on the role of the parent. But at the end of the day, neglected children are not getting their physical and emotional needs met.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse involves physical harm or injury to the child. It may be the result of a deliberate attempt to hurt the child, but not always. It can also result from severe discipline, such as using a belt on a child, or physical punishment that is inappropriate to the child’s age or physical condition.

Many physically abusive parents and caregivers insist that their actions are simply forms of discipline—ways to make children learn to behave. But there is a big difference between using physical punishment to discipline and physical abuse. The point of disciplining children is to teach them right from wrong, not to make them live in fear.

The difference between discipline and physical abuse

In physical abuse, unlike physical forms of discipline, the following elements are present:

Unpredictability. The child never knows what is going to set the parent off. There are no clear boundaries or rules. The child is constantly walking on eggshells, never sure what behavior will trigger a physical assault.

Lashing out in anger. Physically abusive parents act out of anger and the desire to assert control, not the motivation to lovingly teach the child. The angrier the parent, the more intense the abuse.

Using fear to control behavior. Parents who are physically abusive may believe that their children need to fear them in order to behave, so they use physical abuse to “keep their child in line.” However, what children are really learning is how to avoid being hit, not how to behave or grow as individuals.

Sexual abuse: A hidden type of child abuse

Child sexual abuse is an especially complicated form of abuse because of its layers of guilt and shame. It’s important to recognize that sexual abuse doesn’t always involve body contact. Exposing a child to sexual situations or material is sexually abusive, whether or not touching is involved.

While news stories of sexual predators are scary, what is even more frightening is that sexual abuse usually occurs at the hands of someone the child knows and should be able to trust—most often close relatives. And contrary to what many believe, it’s not just girls who are at risk. Boys and girls both suffer from sexual abuse. In fact, sexual abuse of boys may be underreported due to shame and stigma.

The problem of shame and guilt in child sexual abuse

Aside from the physical damage that sexual abuse can cause, the emotional component is powerful and far-reaching. Sexually abused children are tormented by shame and guilt. They may feel that they are responsible for the abuse or somehow brought it upon themselves. This can lead to self-loathing and sexual problems as they grow older—often either excessive promiscuity or an inability to have intimate relations.

The shame of sexual abuse makes it very difficult for children to come forward. They may worry that others won’t believe them, will be angry with them, or that it will split their family apart. Because of these difficulties, false accusations of sexual abuse are not common, so if a child confides in you, take him or her seriously. Don’t turn a blind eye!

Help for child sexual abuse:

1-888-PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) – Stop It Now

1-800-656-HOPERape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

Or visit ChiWorld.org for a list of other international child helplines.

Warning signs of child abuse and neglect

Child abuse is not always obvious. But by learning some of the common warning signs of abuse and neglect, you can catch the problem as early as possible and get both the child and the abuser the help that they need.

Of course, just because you spot a red flag doesn’t automatically mean a child is being abused. It’s important to dig deeper, looking for a pattern of abusive behavior and warning signs, if you notice something off.

Warning signs of emotional abuse in children

  • Excessively withdrawn, fearful, or anxious about doing something wrong
  • Shows extremes in behavior (extremely compliant or extremely demanding; extremely passive or extremely aggressive)
  • Doesn’t seem to be attached to the parent or caregiver
  • Acts either inappropriately adult (taking care of other children) or inappropriately infantile (rocking, thumb-sucking, throwing tantrums)

Warning signs of physical abuse in children

  • Frequent injuries or unexplained bruises, welts, or cuts
  • Is always watchful and “on alert,” as if waiting for something bad to happen
  • Injuries appear to have a pattern such as marks from a hand or belt
  • Shies away from touch, flinches at sudden movements, or seems afraid to go home
  • Wears inappropriate clothing to cover up injuries, such as long-sleeved shirts on hot days

Warning signs of neglect in children

  • Clothes are ill-fitting, filthy, or inappropriate for the weather.
  • Hygiene is consistently bad (unbathed, matted and unwashed hair, noticeable body odor).
  • Untreated illnesses and physical injuries.
  • Is frequently unsupervised or left alone or allowed to play in unsafe situations and environments.
  • Is frequently late or missing from school.

Warning signs of sexual abuse in children

  • Trouble walking or sitting
  • Displays knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior
  • Makes strong efforts to avoid a specific person, without an obvious reason
  • Doesn’t want to change clothes in front of others or participate in physical activities
  • An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14
  • Runs away from home

Child abuse and reactive attachment disorder

Severe abuse early in life can lead to reactive attachment disorder. Children with this disorder are so disrupted that they have extreme difficulty establishing normal relationships and attaining normal developmental milestones. They need special treatment and support. See: Attachment Issues and Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Risk factors for child abuse and neglect

While child abuse and neglect occurs in all types of families—even in those that look happy from the outside—children are at a much greater risk in certain situations.

Domestic violence. Witnessing domestic violence is terrifying to children and emotionally abusive. Even if the mother does her best to protect her children and keeps them from being physically abused, the situation is still extremely damaging. If you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship, getting out is the best thing for protecting the children.

Alcohol and drug abuse. Living with an alcoholic or addict is very difficult for children and can easily lead to abuse and neglect. Parents who are drunk or high are unable to care for their children, make good parenting decisions, and control often-dangerous impulses. Substance abuse also commonly leads to physical abuse.

Untreated mental illness. Parents who are suffering from depression, an anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, or another mental illness have trouble taking care of themselves, much less their children. A mentally ill or traumatized parent may be distant and withdrawn from his or her children, or quick to anger without understanding why. Treatment for the caregiver means better care for the children.

Lack of parenting skills. Some caregivers never learned the skills necessary for good parenting. Teen parents, for example, might have unrealistic expectations about how much care babies and small children need. Or parents who were themselves victims of child abuse may only know how to raise their children the way they were raised. In such cases, parenting classes, therapy, and caregiver support groups are great resources for learning better parenting skills.

Stress and lack of support. Parenting can be a very time-intensive, difficult job, especially if you’re raising children without support from family, friends, or the community or you’re dealing with relationship problems or financial difficulties. Caring for a child with a disability, special needs, or difficult behaviors is also a challenge. It’s important to get the support you need, so you are emotionally and physically able to support your child.

The above articles are found: Child Abuse and Neglect 

Blog note from Arline Miller, Sipping Cups of Inspiration blogger and author: All of us may seem normal and secure but if we are willing to share our thoughts and feelings with others, we can overcome many hidden fears and weaknesses. A child is innocent and is not given to us by Our God to abuse in any fashion. If you are a parent and/or caregiver, and you feel like you have to abuse a child in any way, seek help immediately. The child you save may be your own. 

(c) Copyright 2012-2017 Arline Miller with all rights and privileges. All third party material sourced to original location for reference credit. Photos may not be property of blog unless specified.



LIFE IS AN “I LOVE LUCY” EPISODE.  Some of my readers may not be familiar with I LOVE LUCY but some of us were exposed to the funny Lucille Ball as kids. We watched episodes of this zany comedienne and her side kick Ethel . What many may not know is life can create Lucy episodes on its own. Recently, my husband and I took a short vacation and were privileged to  stay in the cutest bungalow with an I LOVE LUCY theme with so much personality. The photos in this blog are taken from the bungalow. What I wasn’t aware of the background story which created this creation.

As a writer, I have an insatiable appetite of curiosity and in complimenting her collection, I found out the interesting relationship Lucy had played in our hostess’s life. She recounted how her Mother loved to watch this show and she grew to love the episodes as well. I related to her rendition as it was similar in our household. We shared some laughter about the different and most popular episodes and the moments of relief of life’s normal days by her comedic insanity. There was not too much Lucy would not try and Ethel was by her side throughout each hilarious adventure.  What my hostess shared with me was they began to have Lucy episodes in their lives. Each trip or task mimicked the same funny antics. She shared a shopping trip for an apartment size refrigerator for her camper. They got the refrigerator in the cart. The cart started to roll and here the race started with them trying to catch the runaway cart. It ended up on the other end of the aisle after many zany attempts to stop it. While she told her Lucy and Ethel moment, I could see they had shared many laughs telling this story or “episode” throughout the years. From this mutual love and memorable times, she began to gift her Mother  some Lucy paraphernalia and  the collection grew.  As she shared her love for the collection which she has reason to be proud of both the items and the memories, I thought of the zany times in my life and while shared with my sister and my friends who worked with me, I realized my “Lucy” moments myself.

I found a great video of Lucille Ball’s mini biography and the link is below:

Lucille Ball biography

Lucille Ball – Mini Biography https://www.biography.com/videos/lucille-ball-mini-biography-41961298



One of America’s most beloved comedians, Lucille Ball is particularly known for her iconic television show ‘I Love Lucy.’
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